Wifes Mood Swings
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I am in a good mood the ring turns green.
When I am in a bad mood the ring leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he will buy me a diamond.
BOYS AND GIRLS NIGHT OUT PERMISSION FORM
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Top Ten Indicators that a Redneck Has Been Working on Your Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Huntin”.
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.
10 Things Not To Say At the Alter On Your Wedding Day
Management Consultant Joke
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone , then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That is correct; take one of the sheep.” said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: ” If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
“OK, why not.” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant.” said the shepherd.
“That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog.”
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON-STYLE VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION A farmer has two Cows. You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION (Subsidiary of The National Cattle Industry of Wales) You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute…
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien and his chauffeur are rolling down a country road at night when suddenly the limo hits a pig that has wandered onto the road. The pig is killed instantly. The Prime Minister instructs his driver, “Go up to da farm hover dere an’ hexplain to da honer of da pig what ‘appen.”
An hour later, Chrétien sees his driver staggering back from the farm, his clothes wrinkled, lipstick on his face, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. What ‘appen to you?” asks the P.M.
“Well, Prime Minister, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife gave me a cigar, and their 19-year-old daughter made wild passionate love to me.”
Tabarnak! What did you tell dem?” asks Chrétien. The driver answers, “Good evening, I am Jean Chrétien’s chauffeur and I have just killed the pig.”
MORE than 10 Reasons: It’s Cool to be Canadian!
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our football fields and one less down
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers’ butt
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin’ Donuts butt
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back…past their ‘White House’. Then we burned it…and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied…Go figure..
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing… but showed up just in time to get caught.
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth’s surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don’t marry our kin-folk.
21. Canadians invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT! 24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!
Oh yeah… and our elections only take one day.